‘Cooties’ Review // Teacher versus Child-Zombie

“Oh look, carnage.”

Cooties

Release Date: September 18, 2015

Directed by: Jonathan Milott, Cary Murnion
Screenplay: Leigh Whannell, Ian Brennan
Starring: Elijah Wood, Alison Pill, Rainn Wilson, Jack McBrayer, Jorge Garcia
Rating: R

A movie that represents what most people think children are: little monsters.

The movie opens up with Clint Hadson (Elijah Wood), a struggling writer, going to his first day on the job as a substitute teacher in his hometown. Clint’s day isn’t starting off so great, he got boxed in his parking space, “eat a cock” was written on his car and the students are already heckling him. Then he runs into Lucy (Alison Pill), a former crush and, unfortunately, the girlfriend of the school’s gym teacher Wade (Rainn Wilson), who’s an alpha male and has a 1970’s pornstache. His day just keeps getting worse when the students start going mad and eating each other. Clint and a colorful group of faculty members must try to escape the school before they become the children’s next meal.

Written by an odd pairing, Ian Brennan (Glee) and Leigh Whannell (Saw), this film is filled with awkward humor and WTF moments. The opening scene is a stomach-churning sequence ending with a student taking a bite out of chicken nugget leaking gray goop. It’s disgusting but so perfect as an intro. The film has some animated characters. There’s Clint, the cliché of a struggling writer; Wade, who looks like he jumped out of the 70’s; and Doug, the intelligent but awkward one (he reads “How To Have a Normal Conversation” in the break room), just to name a few. The one that should have had way more screen time was Rick, the druggy who took mushrooms and can’t tell if he’s hallucinating or not and drives a van with a damn eagle on it, played by Jorge Garcia. How could anyone forget Hugo from that little show called LOST?! I know you didn’t.

Anywho, even the children are ridiculously mean saying words like “cunt” and “cock”, I know I would have gotten in some trouble for using those words! Then they literally become flesh-eating monsters hell-bent on terrorizing the faculty. It’s the way the children act that make them creepy, though. They smile, laugh, hold hands while skipping around, play on the cars – it’s downright disturbing. There’s even a baby zombie, what?

This movie starts strong. The middle lost me a little as they tried to throw some romance in there with Clint and Lucy, which was just expected and dull, then it redeems itself by ending on a strong note. It’s definitely got some quirky humor and those moments where all you can say is “seriously?”, so it’s funny but not laugh-till-you-cry funny. Cooties is a great horror-comedy that will entertain you with its quick, comedic look at the familiar teacher-versus-students story but ZOMBIFIED – and who doesn’t like some zombies? Also, the title is perfection.?